Saturday Soul Searching

Yesterday was one of those days when nothing seemed to go right. Towards the end of the workday, I turned to my favorite website for some wisdom. Below are the quotes that hit home for me.

In every breakdown is the blessing of a breakthrough.

In every challenging situation is the gift to help your soul evolve and become who you were really meant to be.

So if your life as you know it is falling apart give thanks and…

LET GO!

Love.Now

Kute Blackson, What to do when your life falls apart!

Our time here on this planet is limited.

Do what feels good.

Do what feels right for you.

No one can define that for you.

You are your best life strategist.

Daily Lover, what will you quit today?

Vasavi Kumar, Sometimes you just need to quit!

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

No accomplishment or moment of recognition will ever replace feeling loved, by yourself or anyone else.

You know. You always know.

Saying yes to someone simply because you don’t want to disappoint them is not only unfair to you, it’s unfair to them.

Sleep, water, movement, greens, and a good cry cure almost anything.

It turns out that life is happening right now.

Loving yourself more is the best place to start to solve any problem.

Nothing is random. Everything happens for a reason.

Kate Northrup, Here’s what I know…

Of all of the above quotes, this one remained in my mind all night:

No accomplishment or moment of recognition will ever replace feeling loved, by yourself or anyone else.

Everyone who really knows me knows my story of loss, both professionally and personally. I am trying not to let those events define me, but they will always be a part of who I have been, who I am, and who I will become. Most days are OK, but I know that I am not over the 15-year relationship that ended in June 2012. The past 16+ months of my life have been extremely challenging with unexpected singlehood, a sudden career change, and multiple part-time jobs to make ends meet, but even more so without having someone with whom to share the ups and downs. While I don’t need a romantic relationship to survive, I do need self-love and love from others to keep moving forward. I feel like I have been alone forever and there’s nothing worse than feeling like you have no one. Yes, my blog and my social media persona garner moments of recognition. And yes, I have experienced a sense of accomplishment with my wine and travel writing. However, virtual accomplishment and recognition pale in comparison to real-life friendship and love.

A friend this week said two things to me that came back to me yesterday as well:

  1. I appear to personify my social media persona, travelwinechick. In other words, Beth and travelwinechick are synonymous. While that’s true on one level, it’s not the complete person that I am. I am much more than that and I don’t want to be limited and confined as such.
  2. My new blog tagline should be “Everything to everybody.” This was said in jest, but in reality, it has become true. I have so many commitments, jobs, and responsibilities that I have allowed myself to become everything to everyone, and I just can’t do it anymore, especially for part-time pay or no pay at all. I am trying to not just survive, but thrive.

Instead of grieving my loss, I’ve thrown myself into multiple jobs, travel, blogging, etc. to escape facing my loss head on. Now I find myself overwhelmed, overcommitted, and grieving.

This weekend I find myself assessing what I do and why. Financially I can’t let go of anything paid at the moment, as I am on the cusp of mere survival. I will be spending the last two months of 2013 trying to figure out what will stay, what will go, and how I can be professionally happy and financially stable.

With regard to everything I do for free, specifically my blog, I will no longer guarantee a yes. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. Saying yes to someone simply because you don’t want to disappoint them is not only unfair to you, it’s unfair to them. I want to write when I feel passionate and excited about an experience. I want to write about ah-ha moments, like today. I will no longer be writing as an obligation or be made to feel guilty if I’m not feeling inspired enough by a wine sample. My blog clearly states, “However, acceptance of a sample does not guarantee a review, nor does it guarantee a positive review.” I must follow my own policy going forward. After all, it’s just wine. Wine is not meant to be laborious, it’s meant to be enjoyed.

With regard to my personal life and relationships, I crave real-life enjoyment. I crave meaningful friendships. I need the love that I know I deserve. I want to travel and not write about it. I want to sip wine with friends and not take photos and notes. Because guess what? It turns out that life is happening right now. I want to be me, I want to be happy, and I want to live in the moment, because right now is all I have.

Our time here on this planet is limited.

Do what feels good.

Do what feels right for you.

7 comments

  1. Ah I hear ya girlfriend. First (((((Elizabeth))))) a hug. Second I am so proud of you for being vulnerable b/c that is courage & embracing it allows you to dare greatly (bug Brene Brown fan!). Third, if it makes you feel any better I currently make peanuts b/c I donate almost all my time pro bono to my nonprofit Hope Xchange. Even when I’m wearing my cause-marketing strategist hat, I’m working to empower the bipolar community to help itself. We just launched a new initiative in collaboration with wine lovers, participating wineries and Sip to Support to raise awareness for bipolar and about Hope Xchange. The campaign is called Oh for Grapes Sake, Give a Drop and is hosted on my website http://giveagrape.org.
    This is my long rambling way of saying that if you grow with a cause & plant trees under whose shade you will never sit, you will find your life take on a new meaning and you will find happiness

  2. Good for you, Beth. I reached a similar place earlier this year. Do what fills your heart and, hopefully, your account ;). Sounds like you’re in the right path.

    1. Thank you. I remember that and I actually thought about you and others who have had similar thoughts and experiences. It’s so hard sometimes to give so much of yourself to everything. There are times when you must pick and choose.

  3. You are doing it! You are loving your self, you are honoring your purpose, keep going!!!! Being this open to the now will continue to bring you the happiness you deserve. Commit to smiling each day and see how easy it really is.
    ~ your friend, Aireen

    BTW great piece of writing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s